Passionate Legacy

In the last several posts, we have talked about dealing with various misbehaviors … disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines and acting out aggressively or deliberately hurting others. But, not all negative behaviors are misbehaviors. Sometimes children may act out inappropriately in an attempt to solve a real life problem. Whenever Suzie starts to play on the computer, all of a sudden Billy wants to play and demands that it is his turn. They shout and fight, then push and shove. Their parents (thinking they are helping them) have told them to learn to solve the problem on their own, and not to be a tattle-tale. But all they are…

We have been looking at 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting behaviors, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. So far we have covered disobedience and attention-getting, and breaking rules and routines. Today we tackle the question of what to do with a child who is acting out aggressively or deliberately hurting others. The primary tool for teaching a child who is hurting others or acting out aggressively is the “time out.” When carried out consistently and properly, this can be a very effective means of helping a child learn appropriate behavior. But it can fail to accomplish this goal if it…

We have been looking at 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. So far we have covered disobedience and attention-getting behaviors. We now come to the third of these: breaking rules and routines. Rules and routines are expectations of family members that are clear and have been taught over the years. We keep some of ours printed out and posted at strategic locations throughout the house (we did this even before the kids could read!). These are things that kids know about, but tend to ‘forget’ over and over again. Examples are: not finishing school work,…

We have been looking at 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. In the last post we looked at the first of these: disobedience. Now we come to the second: attention-getting behaviors. There is a long list of things that children do to get attention: whining, arguing, throwing fits (falling on the floor or kicking and screaming), pestering other kids, crying without reason, not responding to an adult when spoken to, demanding parents or adults to do things for them, interrupting, saying “you don’t love me,” or “I don’t love you,” answering every response with the…

In the last post, I introduced 5 different types of misbehavior: disobedience, attention-getting, breaking rules and routines, deliberately hurting others, and wrong behavior rooted in real problems. Today we look at how to respond to the first of these, disobedience. There are two tools in the hands of parents that are very useful for dealing with simple disobedience. The first one is what I call the kinetic assist. Kinetic means “motion” or “causing to move.” The kinetic assist is helpful when a small child is learning to obey simple commands such as, “come here,” “pick up the toys,” and “bring that book here.” Think of this as a teaching tool…

It happens to all of us as parents. We are at a loss for how to deal with a child’s behavior. Is it a time out, a spanking, a lecture, take away a privilege, give an explanation, ignore them, physically move the child to another room, put him on restriction … what is the right consequence for a particular behavior and how do I administer it most effectively?! We have now come to Passionate Legacy Principle #6: Have a plan for discipline. Learn what consequences should be applied to which behaviors, so that when the situation arises you are prepared to act decisively. Before we can respond with the best…

The following question came to me in an email: “In the morning (6:30 AM) our child does not want to get up! He whines and complains and is very grouchy, even though he went to bed on time the night before (8:00 PM). After being called 5 or 6 times he finally gets out of bed and then starts picking fights with the other kids!” About a week after I got this email, we had the same exact situation in our house with an 8 year old foster daughter. I had to wake her up several times each morning. One morning I woke her up and when I checked 10…

Last time we talked about the importance of “First Time Obedience,” and we began a list of tips for parents to help develop the habit of first time obedience. Here is a quick review of the first four tips and a description of four more … 1. Use a positive tone of voice. A positive tone of voice lets children know you respect them. 2. Give lead time, if possible. Give some advance notice that you are going to want something to happen soon. 3. If at all possible, give a choice. By saying to the child, “You can choose to do either this or that,” you empower the child…

For the last couple of posts we have been focusing on older children and the transition from “rules” alone to “principles” to live by. This week we turn our attention back to younger kids and pick up with Passionate Legacy Principle #5: Expect First Time Obedience. I have seen it too many times. A parent calling for a child to come to them, or giving a command over and over and over again, only to be ignored by little Suzie. This usually ends in frustration and a lost temper OR a passive ignoring of the disobedience. The first sends the message that the parent is not in control of himself,…

Last time, we talked about how, as our kids get close to the teen years, we need to be teaching them “biblical principles to live by,” in addition to the “rules” they are to obey. This week, we will explore how we can help our pre-teens and teens get one of the things that they most desperately want. What is it they want so badly? Ah, yes … FREEDOM. Think about it for a minute. If you have a teen at home or if you can remember back to your teen years, you know that freedom is an extremely important commodity during this time of life. It is also a…